2016 for us has been an incredible year, with various highs and lows but it has been a step in to a direction, I never imagined going or even doing. When I entered 2016, unsure if I’d be able to achieve any of the things I set up in my mind to do.
There are many things I didn’t achieve, like publish another book, I start or continue work on them, then I lose confidence.
Confidence plays a huge part in my life, and to be frank – it pisses me off. It holds me back so much, anxieties also cloud so much of the things I want to do. I try really hard to push it down, but then it rears its ugly head again, then I am sunk. It gets dark, so dark at times I fear I’ll never see the light. Times where I have wanted to give up the things I love, because my crazy brain focuses too much on the negatives and failing. It gets too heavy. I hide it well. I’m lucky to have a husband and the children to lift me up, when I fall. They don’t see me fall or need to either. They are my light.
I’d completed a Breast Feeding Peer Support Training course at the beginning of the year, it was an incredibly inspiring course. I found new aspects of grief towards the loss of our daughter, things I had never really thought of. Stuff that if I tried to explain, it wouldn’t be right, or understood in the way only my heart and mind can comprehend. It was also a little turning point in my grief journey. I spoke about her, a piece of her story that is painful, I didn’t cry. The only point I cried was when I was hit by a trigger, a missed memory, tiny for some but a huge one for us.
I loved every minute. However confidence, anxieties I guess hit, put everything on hold, the friends I had made during the course, I took a step back from. Nothing on them, but the ridiculous fear I have of trusting anyone new. I need a comfort zone, but then my feet freeze, my whole body freezes, rather that put my trust in new people I back the hell a way. Which in turn causes me to feel lonely. I hate that, I hate feeling that way. The walls are built for a reason, but sometimes they build too high and even I can’t lower them.
This is definitely something I need to work on. I need to make my personal space bigger, and have more people behind the barrier, lower the barrier and trust more. Forget the people who handed me the bricks.
This is certainly something I say every year to work on, to leave the people who cause me tears in the past..no matter who they are. I really am not that bad a person.
I’m not.
2016, the launch of the baby loss group I had pieced together finally came together, it has been slow..the support has been minimal, where again there has been times where I could have easily said fuck it all. But I am stubborn, sheer determination, it’ll work. I have done online support, I know I can do it. Which in turn will bring a whole new course in 2017, to help more people, to ensure the right care is given, to let no-one feel lost and alone. It brought my Butterfly Award nomination, for writing, I was/am unbelievably touched to have been a part of. To see friends share the links and vote multiples of times. To spend an evening with truly inspirational families and an evening away alone with my husband; the first time in years. Dressed up in “posh gear”, it was perfect. I of course didn’t win, I never expected to – I did do really well in the voting stage, that alone makes me feel incredibly proud, to have, to know people care particularly Melody’s memory.
With the nomination I had the opportunity to speak on the radio, which was great. Two lots of public speaking to raise awareness of the group, sadly the groups were either full of uninterested pen pushers, or people who pretended to want to know…or at least that is exactly what it felt like. I see it as they were only practice audiences, the people of interest will want to make a difference, and not bow their heads. They will be the ones to shine through.
I achieved something I never thought I would due to confidence, spoke in a room full of strangers, not only to the Town Council and a local business group. But I also took part in a study day for Midwives, to share Melody’s journey, from bump to rainbow. It was an absolute honour to have been part of it, I’m hoping for more, and to arrange my own type of awareness day. The group brought an invitation to meet The Archbishop of Canterbury. That was certainly an incredible experience, he was so easy to speak to, and not only this he listened, and I think he would have listened longer had we more time. That was one of my favourite hi-lights of the year.
We’ve had wonderful family outings and adventure days out. I feel so incredibly lucky to have the people who do stick around and have patience in my life.
As the years have gone by people come and go, if they matter they’ll never leave your side.
My relationship with baby C has gotten so much better, I don’t get as frustrated with her as I did when she was first born, (when I say frustrated I mean I would cry in the bathroom feeling completely helpless, but at the same time guilty for feeling like a useless mum, that I’d caused her discomfort) she was suffering terribly with allergy reactions, she is so much like Melody, I was scared to love her to the full extent of my role. I’ve always loved her, of course I have. But it hard to cope, post HG how sick I was with her and how much it effected me.
It is so hard to explain, there were days I was unsure on whether or not she even liked me, while I struggled to like myself in the situation. But I am pleased we’re doing great. As I said before I hide things very well.
I am looking forward to the next year, the next chapter. I have no idea what it’ll bring. I’ve not set any goals or any real resolutions, because it will make every thing real and easy to avoid. If I want to achieve anything, I can’t keep on avoiding the things that scare me.
A big thank you to every single dedicated fool who took the time, and stuck this shit out with me.
Happy New Year.
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