We’ve almost concluded January 2017. Slow month for many, too cold and too miserable. Too far away from Christmas to speak of all our wonderful festivities, but nowhere near the nice weather to speak of soon to come plans.
This week for me has been strange. Those of you you follow me on Instagram will know I hit the floor,(my Instagram links are here on this blog somewhere) the bottom, where hopefully the only place for me to go is up.
It is something I hate to admit, to speak of. I don’t even really know why. Our youngest is fairly high maintenance, not in the way people would expect with labels, diagnosis etc, not like that far from it.
Since having her due to the Hg, I’ve suffered somewhat with mental health, bond with her has been difficult. I can’t put my finger in it because I love her so, so much. She’s incredibly clingy, her allergies, she seems to need so much reassurance and wants boob hourly still, only wants me, which you know I do love but when I’ve been ill myself it is frustrating, and because being ill has tipped me over the edge recently, with flashbacks and panic attacks, well I ended up getting myself into such a state.
Terrified that she doesn’t love me,she’ll remember my sad moments.
Terrified my moaning will cause her to die (of course only a few will understand that sentence and feel normal in mentioning it).
This week although I have had to hit the bottom to do it, I’ve turned a corner. A corner where I can see light. Bright happy light. I’ve so much going on just now, which for me I find overwhelming,of course M’s birthday in four weeks, (constant countdowns just now).
I ended up sobbing, sobbing until I couldn’t breath, until I eventually vomited.
That was it.
The point where I know I need to be happier than I felt. Don’t get me wrong, my family, my husband make me so happy, I could never put into words how much they do; they complete me. But there was this switch that was turned off. All my islands turned off. (Inside Out fans will too know what I am talking about).
So here I am days, a month into the New Year, I find myself clawing my way out.
It is so hard to speak about, there are things I cannot explain not in decent words. It is something I need to figure out. This fifth year of grief is pinching somewhat, but I’ll save that for Melody and Me.
It will get better. I know it will.
I did squeeze in a Mummy adventure with my lovely Mummy friend, due to illnesses for both us, it is something I have very much missed. (Stupid brain worries I reply on her too much, but she really is worth her weight in gold).
Hair appointment with my girls, one had her first ever hair cut, she sat as good as gold.
Cuddles with this one. Falling peacefully into a slumber after a busy day.
She is so much like her older sister, which over the course of the years haven’t helped.
But looking at her here she looks so tiny, a new born almost, yet she’s “huge”.
Fluffy head of beauty.
Day out minus the children with my closest friend. New to you sale (Mum2Mum Market),picked up some great bargains. Moving on to a garden centre for cake and a drink.
Made a nice change to sit and talk and not run around or pulling the baby off the table 50 million times.
Even picked up some bargains for Christmas (I know but hey better than getting caught up in the crowds later on). Also a Birthday present for Melody (which I’ll share with you later).
Plans for today was to walk, and to maybe visit her. We don’t visit often these days it is too painful to say goodbye every time.
But instead, as well all know I’ve had coughs, virus just everything going well this afternoon Hubby took the littlest Girls to the shops, bigger ones went to their dad’s and I’ve been home being sick and temperature crazy again… I mean what the fuck now? Constant feeling rough is seriously getting on my nerves. So, I’ve been home re-watching these and napping.
This is so turning into the sick diaries.
Different I guess.
See you next week!
The Wet Wipe Diaries.